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Thread: I don't do this well.

  1. #1
    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default I don't do this well.

    I consider myselfa pretty kind person. I also think I am fairly good at helping people through rough times. It's almost a maternal side of me, (without having to pop out anymore kiddies!) and I'm not bragging, I am proud of that fact that I enjoy helping and talking to people when they need/want it.

    But it's come ot my attention that there's one hting I really don't deal well with.

    Death. An I'm not sure why. No one close to me has died, so it's not a left over feeling or emotion. The thought of death doesn't freak me out, but the pain that someone is going through....I have no idea how to deal with that. I get uncomfotable. Clam up. And want to be anywhere but there at that moment.

    I've helped people go through other things that I haven't experienced as well, and haven't had this type of reaction. So WTH?

    This all came up because about a month ago (and I have noticed it before, but with people who weren't as close to me, so it didn't seem like a big deal...I guess) my husband had to attend a gathering for the death of one of his customers, who was also a good friend of his.
    Then last night, our neighbor and best friend who is a cop....well, hi best friend on the squad was shot and died yesterday. So we went to their house to be with them....

    And I feel terrible because all I want to do is be a friend to this guy, be supportive and give him what he needs/wants right now. But I can't. And it's so weird for me.

    So yah....not sure if there was a point beyond just posting this...I'm just not sure how to do this and I know I need to be there for my friends when they go through it. Buggars, it's odd.




  2. #2
    God/dess LAChloe's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    Oh I read about that online...I am so sorry. That is so sad.

    Some people just can't deal with death. I'm not sure why. It reminds me of that one "Sex and the City" when Miranda's mom died and Samantha had such a hard time dealing with it.


  3. #3
    zxcire
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    I think your situation is extremely common. I still feel bad about my reaction when my neighbor died, I avoided his wife for a while because I didn't know what to say to her. Now I know that I could have said just about anything, because it's important for a bereaved person just to know that people are there for them...words are not as important as the presence of a caring person.

    Death is such an unknown, such a huge thing, that it's understandable that you, and I, and others, have a hard time dealing with it.

    Don't know if that helps, but I do understand the awkwardness. But seriously, just a hug and a kind word will go a long way in helping the bereaved. Say "Can I do anything?" They will probably say no, but the offer helps.

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    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    I think that's a big part of the issue. I feel like I should have something to say, something to do, something to offer to help fix it. But there is no fixing it.

    That's it.

    So I do give hugs, and hand holding and try to just be there...but I still feel so strange. And I think you just helped me realize why. Because it's something O can't give advice on how to fix and I can't change it. So I feel useless to them. Like I'm letting them down when they need me. Gah...k...so that makes more sense to me.




  5. #5
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    You arent letting anyone down. Just by being there you are making things worlds better for them I'm sure. Sometimes its better to not say anything. Not everyone wants to talk after something like this...but they do find comfort in having a warm body near.

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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    Death scares me Sometimes I'll be lying in bed overthinking as always and I'll think about someone really close to me dying. I've never lost anyone close to me and I honestly don't know what I'd do. It gives me panic attacks when I start thinking stuff like that, and it's probably for the fact that death is inevitable. Scary. I know this was totally off the subject, but when people bring up death that's how I react. All panicky and stuff

  7. #7
    Veteran Member Kitsune83's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    Being there is the best thing you can do! You're not a bereavement counselor, and you certainly don't need to try to be one. It's impossible to say "the right thing" death is too personal. Everyone has different emotions and ways of dealing with them. I think that people are just glad to know that someone cares. Your being there shows this. A hug, a shoulder to cry on, that's all that matters. Let them lead the way....they might need to cry, to rant, to yell and scream...or even just be silent....soon they might need someone to take them out to a movie or something to distract.
    Side note- If your neighbor has a wife, or significant other....that person may need someone to talk to about the stress of supporting someone recently bereaved.....a lot of times, the stress is horrid for the SO, because they're in the same boat as you....feeling helpless because they can't change anything or say the right thing....and it hits harder, because you want more than anything to help the one you love. That person might really benefit from being taken out of the house for lunch or some shopping or something....just to get them out of the situation to breathe for a minute....plus, it'll be easier for them to commiserate with someone who isn't right "in it", like you! You could use your fantastic caretaking instincts to help there, definitely.

    It sounds silly....but whenever I've had a friend or family member who lost someone close to them....I cooked....I brought them dinner, something homemade that they didn't have to cook can be a godsend. It's hard to do "everyday" things like taking care of yourself (cooking, laundry, childcare, etc) when you're in that emotional state. I've had people tell me months later that when I cooked them dinner, it was one of the nicest things that anyone did for them....so if you like to cook, it's a thought. Otherwise, I think you're doing the best things that you can.....try not to let yourself be spread too thin though, you've got to take care of you too!

    Hugs!

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    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't do this well.

    Thank you girls. Thi really cleared my head up about this. I didn't want to talk to my hubby about it, because it almost felt selfish worrying that I wasn't doing the right thing and feeling awkward about it.

    But what you all have said makes me feel much more confidant about being there for them.
    And Kitsune you are so right about my neighbors SO. I spoke to his wife and asked her how she was doing and she sort of fell apart and said "It could have been him! That was his area too!"

    thanks again.




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