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Thread: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

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    Senior Member mollywog's Avatar
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    Default OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    This is something that I'm totally confused about what to do. I figure that between all of you, someone's got to have some ideas...

    Back when I was in highschool, my then best friend had a baby. Father of said baby was a total jerk about the whole thing, to the point that bf didn't even put him on the birth certificate AND told the people at welfare that she had no idea who the father was. (this was after her mom kicked her out....). I never liked the dude much, he was really mean to me and said lots of rude things that literally affected my self esteem for years.
    When bf's baby was in her teens, daddy decided he really wanted to get to know her. Bf left it up to her daughter pretty much, daughter was around 16 at this point, and daughter didn't want to have any part of it, probably because she'd her so much shit talk about what an asshole her father had been. At the same time, I have to say in all fairness that daughter was VERY strong minded and she made said decision after speaking to her father a couple times on the phone. I think probably 50% of it was the shit talk, and the rest of it was what she'd decided on her own.
    Now we're up to the present. Not too long ago I got a message on classmates.com from said father. I decided to reply, if for no other reason than sheer curiousity. We've e-mail back and forth a few times, and he's apologized for saying hurtful things to me etc etc. He's been going through a lot of rough shit in his life and I do believe that he's changed for the better, although I'd never really be friends with him just because it's really hard for me to forgive someone that did the shit he did.
    Now I truly and honestly don't know where daughter is or anything else, but I do know that she had a baby about 13 years ago. I could get hold of former bf if I wanted to, but she dumped me in a really shitty manner a couple years ago and we no longer speak to each other.
    Should I tell him he's a grandfather???? If he asks I can honestly say I don't know where she is etc, but what if he wants to know if I know how to get hold of former bf in hopes of seeing daughter and grandkid??? I flat out would never tell him how to get hold of her unless she approved it, I've always been that way, I NEVER give anyone anyone else's phone number without checking with them first, unless I know damn good and well that the person wouldn't mind my doing so, and it takes a lot for me to be sure enough that it's ok for me to tell someone that info.
    WTF should I do?

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    Featured Member maximvsv's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Drop this into the "ask Cameron Keys" thread, and you'll probably get good advice.

    If you're going to send any info to the father/grandfather, I'd say to talk with the ex-best-friend and her daughter about it, first.
    ED E’ SUBITO SERA

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    God/dess Lexi's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    I wouldnt divulge any of the personal information. I understand that he may be a completely different person, but its really in his ex gf's and daughter's place to tell him whats up.

    I would probably contact the old best friend and tell her about him wanting to be part of his daughters life etc. Its really up to them.

    Good luck!!!

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    As much as it might tempt you to get involved, it isn't really any of your business. I like helping as much as the next person, but family issues-- especially ones that involve estrangement-- should only be touched by the family in question, and perhaps by the therapist they're paying to help them.

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    Senior Member mollywog's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Thanks you guys, I was thinking I shouldn't say anything.... I can't call the former friend since we're not on speaking terms and I don't know how to contact the daughter, so I was figuring that I should just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted a couple more opinions.

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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    You hate him, your not speaking to the mother, and the girl is all grown up? Non-issue for you, it is really none of your business and would be best if you stopped all contact.

  7. #7
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    meh, id tell him.

    hes a jerk, your bf sounds like shes been a jerk in the past too. let them sort it out

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Well, if you're not on speaking terms with the ex-best friend...and he's all the sudden contacting you for information...you have no idea if there are any reasons that he cannot find his ex and his daughter. They could want it that way...they could have an order of protection against him...

    Just let it be. If he really wants to find them and they really want to be found, it will happen without your help.

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    God/dess UtahMike's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    If he really wants to find his daughter, there are private investigators who specialize in finding lost relatives. Let him hire one of them.

    You have way too much to lose to get involved with this. If he was such a creep that nobody wanted him in their life, what do you suppose he might do to make you miserable if he found out that you were withholding information from him? He says he's changed, but how do you know? And people have a way of reverting to their old ways without notice.

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    Veteran Member stripperMBA's Avatar
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahMike View Post
    You have way too much to lose to get involved with this. If he was such a creep that nobody wanted him in their life, what do you suppose he might do to make you miserable if he found out that you were withholding information from him? He says he's changed, but how do you know? And people have a way of reverting to their old ways without notice.
    I agree with this. The consequence of his being as a was not being allowed in his daughters life. Few people out there are willing to accept that their behavior results in some bad karma coming their way. So if he was trying to pull some sob story about having a bad life after spending so much time being an a then he has probably not learned anything. I think you should stay out of it. I also think you should be very cautious of him.
    "Can we read it on the Smoking Gun? "

  11. #11
    Alaska
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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Yea, plain and simple, you couldn't just drop the bomb and get out...you'd be the missing link he'd cling to after being disappointed from a long search...you'd have to discuss it for a long time to come, and other stuff prob, and do you want to be *that* close with him? It's noneya, and tho you want to talk to him for nostalgic reasons, keep it at that...

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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    I agree with what a lot of people have already said here--especially about the fact that if you volunteer this information you are making yourself the link between these people, and you have no idea what has truly gone on before this. If they wanted to be in contact they would be, and all this can bring you is trouble. I would, in addition, be very suspicious of this man. It is more likely that he has not changed as much as you would like to believe he has, and that there is an agenda behind his transformation--ie making you a link to a family that wants no part of him. It is a fairly easy situation--when he does try to make that link you can simply say that you are not in touch with your former bf. That is the truth. I think you should watch this carefully and not volunteer a thing.

    I hope that you've recovered from the self-esteem issues...what a lousy thing for this guy to have done to you. Fly clear of this gang of people.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: OK, here's a weird "ethics" question for you guys

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahMike View Post
    And people have a way of reverting to their old ways without notice.
    OH LORD! I so want to make that a part of my sig!
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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