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Thread: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    I need some input here..Bikram was talking to many of us ladies and he said we need to be a little more "bitchy"..You all know that's so NOT me..I'm super nice and it's genuine. The only time I transform is when I completely pissed, it has something to do with the youngins' ( ) or when I'm at work..I swear my dancer persona is SO diffently from my daily life, I'm way more assertive.
    Now we in the 2nd week of training and I'm seeing a side of me that I never knew was there. I'm running into difficulties with my niceness as others here see it as weak or look at me like I'm too pretty to be so "helpful", I've heard that before . Also someone people wonder why I'm being so nice, it's something I can't explain, not like kindness needs an explanation..But, I was just born that way and through all the shit I've had to deal with in this,it's a quality that has remained.
    Anyway, how can I maintain, my loving, caring demeanor yet be more assertive i.e bitchy ??
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    Senior Member beautifulxxdisaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Hey i am reading this book called 'KISS MY TIARA'
    it's about being a strong assertive women-it's really good so far check it out!
    the author is susan jane gulman

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Kiss my Tiara, I like it already ! Do you think it's helped you ? If so can you explain ?
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    Featured Member london's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    I have read a few great books on persuasive/authoratative speaking and the difference in speaking styles according to gender. A few things that stick out in memory are saying things without 'qualifiers/softeners' in front of them as in "I feel that, I think that' and just going ahead and saying or giving advice without the qualifier, as it will come across as more confident. And if working with a student, saying "You might try....Now, I want you to _____(insert instruction). To maintain your ingrained sense of warmth, it is more in the tone and pitch of your speech, as in slower, clearer speech and consistency in even speech so that things don't come off sounding like a question when they are not, which tends to happen when the pitch is elevated towards the end of a sentence. For yoga, a calm, cool, self-assured pitch, with variance only when used for intensity or emphasis in said posture will generally go over most effectively. I will try and find those book titles to pass along.
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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Go to heartlessbitches.com. The essays are very inspiring, and one of my rants made it to the archives.

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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    I wonder if your teacher might be doing this as a phase, or step, to a new understanding. That in stretching your personalities in this direction he is perhaps hoping you'll find out something new about your center? Just a thought--it reminds me of a favorite Rilke poem:

    Take your well-disciplined strengths
    and stretch them between two
    opposing poles. Because inside human beings
    is where God learns.
    JK Jim

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    Member sugar_spun_sister's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    it's just a fun read but 'why men love bitches' might be of some help. i bought it a few months ago and loved it. currently on loan to a person i believe needs a little help being more assertive/'bitchy' and so far she's enjoying it.
    definitely recommended.

    kiss my tiara will be going on my amazon wishlist!

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Thanks you guys..I was in a hurry when i typed my thread..I'm surprised you all could decipher it ! Anyway, please keep the advice coming..

    Jhuka, he was saying that men take advantage of women's kindness and we need to be more assertive..

    I gotta get something to eat and study tomorrow's posture..I'll try to check back after tonight's lecture.
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Quote Originally Posted by sugar_spun_sister View Post
    it's just a fun read but 'why men love bitches' might be of some help. i bought it a few months ago and loved it. currently on loan to a person i believe needs a little help being more assertive/'bitchy' and so far she's enjoying it.
    definitely recommended.

    kiss my tiara will be going on my amazon wishlist!
    Thanks for making your first post to my thread ! Welcome to SW !
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Okay--I see the context, Farrah. It sounds like he is afraid that you might mold yourself around difficult personalities to make things go more smoothly, when you really should recognize what they're doing and stand your ground. It is a hard thing to learn. I've always wanted to see the best in people myself, and when someone starts to take advantage, I sometimes don't catch it on time. I've learned that a good, confident pause after a person says something I don't agree with or like works wonders--it sets their pacing off balance, and lets me gather up my true direction. Does that make sense? I don't think I need to be a bastard to do it, really--I just need to stand my ground and be true to myself.

    I don't think empathy is a bad thing, and I'll continue to give people a chance. But ultimately, people do not have a right to bend your personality this way and that for their own agendas.
    Last edited by jhuka; 09-27-2007 at 08:33 AM.
    JK Jim

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    Member sugar_spun_sister's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Quote Originally Posted by Farrah_Holiday View Post
    Thanks for making your first post to my thread ! Welcome to SW !
    thanks i feel all special now!

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    Okay--I see the context, Farrah. It sounds like he is afraid that you might mold yourself around difficult personalities to make things go more smoothly, when you really should recognize what they're doing and stand your ground. It is a hard thing to learn. I've always wanted to see the best in people myself, and when someone starts to take advantage, I sometimes don't catch it on time. I've learned that a good, confident pause after a person says something I don't agree with or like works wonders--it sets their pacing off balance, and lets me gather up my true direction. Does that make sense? I don't think I need to be a bastard to do it, really--I just need to stand my ground and be true to myself.

    I don't think empathy is a bad thing, and I'll continue to give people a chance. But ultimately, people do not have a right to bend your personality this way and that for their own agendas.
    I totally get what you're saying. Thank you. I'll try the pause, I usually do pause when someone says something..But, it only because I'm deciding how "I'm" going to react..I've been exposed to so much in this life and I never go what might come out of my mouth, I hope this makes sense. I'm going the pause technique you mentioned.
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  13. #13
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    A great example of Bitch Versus Angel and In-Between- when Rhett Butler tells Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With The Wind" that Melanie Wilkes is SOOOO nice because she innocently thinks everyone else is as nice as she is, or words to that effect. (Rhett, FYI, is "as clever as a fox.")

    SO, you must accept that the majority of people are behind you on the sweetness curve. And you have to watch them to figure out what the proper approach is with them. You don't have to be a "bitch" per se but you have to learn how to anticipate and disarm certain personality types.

    Dancers get a lot of practice in observing body language- if you can read subconscious behavior, you can suss a person out. Believe it or not, the Intelligence gathering agencies of major governments teach such tactics to their workers.

    EDIT TO ADD- jhuka's post hits the nail on the head. My mother, aunt and sister are 3 of the NOT-GOOD "bitchiest" (manipulative, cruel, dishonest) women I've ever met so I abhor being like them. They taught me everything I needed to know about "bad hustling". BUT if a woman is smart enough to stand her ground on merits no one can contest, she doesn't leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth.

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: Owning my inner bitch ! Or learning to be more assertive..

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    ....My mother, aunt and sister are 3 of the NOT-GOOD "bitchiest" (manipulative, cruel, dishonest) women I've ever met so I abhor being like them...
    Yea. The way I see it is on a big grey scale, there are extremes of passiveness and aggressiveness that are both problematic. In the middle somewhere is "assertiveness" where we balance what we want with what others want, and when/if everyone does that, we all get a lot of what we want a lot of the time, and manage to get along in cases where we don't.

    It does seem though that people often need to stretch their personality a bit, sort of like exercise while they are learning to become less aggressive or less passive. So I don't see any problem with someone practicing being more aggressive or more passive, just so long as they keep in mind they are aiming for balance over the long run.

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