Hi guys. I love you and I am really nervous and weird feeling because I think I just had one tiny revelation today.
And that revelation was that I don't like stripping.
I mean, I guess I've known it for a while. The way that I avoid it and make excuses so I don't have to go into work pretty much speaks volumes for how I feel about it... and yet, for months I've still told myself things like, "Well, there's no point in going in today because it's a Tuesday in August, and it'll be dead, but I'll want to go in Friday because I'll be able to make money." Then Friday would come and it would be, "But it's still the slow season here, so I'll wait til next week because that's one week closer to being tourist season." And then the next week it would be something else. And so on ad nauseum. A lameass confession is that I haven't gone into the club since late July. I've had another job this whole time, which occupies about 30 hours a week. It pays pretty well, and I can afford to get by, but there's no benefits and no upward mobility, so it's not a totally super-duper job. Also, now that I'm done with school, working 30 hours a week is not nearly enough to keep me busy. It's funny, because the job does not tire me out. Rather, it invigorates me; I'd be happy to have twice as many hours just so I felt busier. It's a strange contrast to stripping, which requires so much OTC "work" of hair, nails, wardrobe, gym, rest, recuperation, ranting, etc.
But I'm actually not posting to talk on about my other job... the above paragraph was really just a lengthy justification for how I'm not actually lazy, and I don't actually hate working, I just hate working as a stripper. I dislike talking to people. I hate feigning interest. I hate lying, but telling the truth about myself has proven terribly alienating... no one wants a dance from someone whose extracurricular activities consist of reading the thesaurus and searching for the perfect bagel recipe. I don't mind being uncool, or brainy, or reserved, but it's terribly incompatible with the job.
So anyway, my point is this. I just want absolution from you guys. I want someone to say that it's okay to walk away from this profession, that I can sell my clothes, my shoes, that I can stop stressing myself out with promises of how "I'm going to go into work any night now, I mean it," and just move on with my life. I can get another job-- any number of them, right?-- and I'll still be able to support myself, and it won't make me less of a person or mean that I'm weak or lame or suck or a loser.
But I only want you to tell me this if you think it's true. If you really think what I need is a swift kick in the ass, well heck, I suppose I ought to hear that instead.



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