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Thread: self injury (cutting)

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    Member pseudomonas's Avatar
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    Default self injury (cutting)

    i searched and didn't see anything about this...

    i'm bipolar and used to cut/burn myself... so i have a lot of scars.

    under the black lights most of them more or less don't show up... but when i'm sitting up at the bar, other dancers and customers ask about them... and in the dressing room other dancers ask about them.

    it sucks. i have SO many scars. i never even wore short sleeves at my last job, so here i am in basically next to nothing, all my scars hanging out...

    i get asked at least once a week by a customer, and every dancer i really talk to has asked me almost immediately what all my scars are from. i never know what to say. its easier at a more conventional job, where maybe one or two scars are showing... but when i have it all hanging out, i don't know what to say.

    i bullshit something or other... but i dunno. if i never would have done that shit, my body could have been really pretty. i've mostly gotten over my worries about whether or not i'm fat or pudgy or lumpy or whatever... but i can't get rid of all these scars, unless i get enough money to get some kind of laser surgery, and even then, i have SO many scars it will take thousands and thousands of dollars and years of treatments.

    i hate to say this but i'm hoping someone here can relate, even if they only have a few scars... its crazy. i don't know. i hate it. that's my biggest regret.


    -darcy-

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Hello,
    Are they just on the inside of your arms? When I was 12 I cut my arms
    quite badly on the insides. Those are faded pretty much but you can still
    see them if you look close.Last year I had a suicide attempt, I gave myself a very
    large thick,hypertrophic scar going straight down my arm.It bled
    like a son of a bitch. I drank a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey so my
    blood was all ready quite thin to begin with. I am also bi-polar and
    I DO NOT recommend drinking.
    I am in the process of getting the large scar removed. A LOT can be done.
    It has all ready shrunk and looks much better it does take time,
    but rest assured you can get great results and a huge improvement
    in the appearance of the scars.
    They will start with Kenalog shots which shrink and smooth the scars down.
    They microdermabrasion, and laser treatments.
    I hope that helps some. Keep your head up we can make it!

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    Featured Member iambonbon05's Avatar
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I don't cut deeply so I don't have the same worry but I feel you. It used to be that I cut in places where no one would see like my upper thighs and stomach but now that I'm going to be a stripper nothing is sacred.

    It depends a lot on what the scars look like. Most can be covered up decently with makeup (try the Sally Hansen stuff that you spray on your legs?). If they're in a particular area or you have a spot in particular to cover up, maybe get a tattoo over it although make sure you go to a good artist.

    If people ask, say you'd rather not talk about it and change the subject. It's true and there's nothing rude about it.

    Other than that, besides surgery obviously, I got nothin' :-/ Is this totally a past thing or do you still do it sometimes? I have tips for preventing new cuts from scarring too much but as far as old scars I don't know.

    Oh. And maybe fishnets and arm warmers would help to cover some up?
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  4. #4
    TBE
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I know I don't have ANY posts so I am not sure if my comment will really make a difference..

    I have bipolar as well, bipolar II to be exact, so I think that I can feel your pain. I self injured for about 6 years. I've gone the past 3 years with nothing so everything except a third degree burn I have on the inside of my wrist is healed up. I have a bit of nerve damage from it and at one point there was an amputation scare. I didn't get treatment for it until it got to the point where from my fingertips to my elbow there was no feeling in it.
    I don't dance yet, I am trying to do my modeling first, I haven't even had a paying job yet! But I am torn on whether or not I should say anything before I sign up for a job about my scars because they are pretty extensive and they are hard not to miss. Air brushing should work for them, but my understanding that airbrushing can be expensive, it's all confusing for my right now.

    For making them less obvious, I am not sure if this will work because I haven't tried it yet, I heard that using the spray tan lotion helps even out your skin tone so color wise they won't be as noticeable. Also there is this makeup that people use to cover tattoos which might also work. Laser treatment is another option but it is costly. It doesn't work for all skin types though. Depending on how old the scars are you can use over the counter scar treatments, although the older the scar the less the treatment will work.
    Going to a dermatologist and/or a plastic surgeon would be good to get a medical opinion on it.
    Tattooing is another option. It can be difficult to tattoo over scars but sometimes it do-able. I have heard of people who have BA scars getting skin color tattooing over the scars, so I guess it would work for other parts of the body. Or if you ever wanted a full arm tattoo this would be a good time!
    I was told by several doctors that laser treatments won't work for me due to my skin tone and how I scar (raised with lots of keloids). There was also an option of cutting off my larger scars but they would leave an insicion which would more than likely keloid or get a raised scar. So getting rid of a scar and making a new one that I wouldn't know how large it would grow wasn't an option for me. All of my keloids haven't had any noticable growth so I wouldn't want to take any chances! But it might be an option for you. I have always planned to tattoo my arms since I was a kid, so I plan on tattooing around the scars as well as most of my body.

    Anyway I know how you feel. Aside from numbness in my left hand I forget I have so many scars, until someone says something. I went to get my nails done a few years ago and the woman who was doing my nails called the other workers in the office (in their native language that wasn't English) and they literally say there poking my arms. I walked out once my nails were dry, and I didn't pay I just said 'fuck this' and I walked out. I thought I was going to get arrested by the mall cops so I was moving pretty quickly. They know what they did so I guess that's why they didn't say anything or yell at me to pay.

    The experience made me feel really shitty, but if it happened say tomorrow I would handle it sooo much differently. I have gotten questioned about them in the most unusual and unacceptable places imaginable. From the public bathroom to a waiter at a restaurant even at the gyno's office.

    One thing that is fun to do it make up really weird false stories about how they got there. My favorite is that I was in a helicopter crash in South America while being adopted as a baby. I say that my parent's had illegally purchased me on the black market and while I was being lifted from my small village in Chile a bird flew into the helicopter crashing us into the jungle where I was there alone for a month until someone found me.

    It's pretty ridiculous response but it's really ridiculous when someone feels the need to ask more questions then I feel comfortable answering. I hope some of this was helpful.

    Whew that was long!

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    First of all pseudomonas, I just want to say I know how you feel cause I've been there As far as people asking, I would just tell them it's none of there business to shut em up.

    Quote Originally Posted by iambonbon05 View Post

    It depends a lot on what the scars look like. Most can be covered up decently with makeup (try the Sally Hansen stuff that you spray on your legs?). If they're in a particular area or you have a spot in particular to cover up, maybe get a tattoo over it although make sure you go to a good artist.

    If people ask, say you'd rather not talk about it and change the subject. It's true and there's nothing rude about it.

    Oh. And maybe fishnets and arm warmers would help to cover some up?
    I like iambonbon's suggestions. If makeup doesn't work there is always that tattoo cover up stuff.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have nothing to add to this thread except...




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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have this same issue. I have scars on my foremarms, and I just cover them up with some good liquid foundation, works really well. I also used to have the big puffy scars. You can go to the dermotologist and get a shot to make them go down. If I didn't work in a gown club I would probably wear those arm warmers or something, I've seen girls in other clubs wear them, they can look cute with the right outfit.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Mystic tan.



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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Oh darling I don't have any good advice, but I've been there. Most of my cuts weren't that bad, so I don't have scars, but I have scars on my wrists that are pretty noticeable. Sometimes I make up bullshit, and sometimes, I just say "used to cut myself."
    I regret it, but in a way, I don't regret the marks, because no matter how bad shit gets, I look at them and remember how absolutley miserable I was when I did that to myself. Now that I dance I'm far more conscious of not doing things like that to myself, but even this past year I've gotten in a fight with my bf or something and snapped and cut the inside of my ankle or something.
    Hugs to you . Its really not anybodies bussiness anyway. I've told people I fell into a thorn bush before...all sorts of weird shit. Surprisingly, out of the few dancers I've told, I'll get a "oh I used to do that" or "this time I tried to kill myself". It's still nobodies bussiness and I'm not saying tell everybody...but don't feel like a freak or anything...you'd be really surprised how many people can relate on some level or another.


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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I just tell people I got in a car accident. *Shrug* In my case, lying is the path of least resistance. Plus, I've had pretty bad luck being honest at work. I've never told a customer I cut... hell, I scare enough of them off by being open about how much I like board games and sobriety, so I try pretty hard not to look any weirder than absolutely necessary. My scars are not huge, raised, or red, but there are tons of them, like hundreds... I guess in my case, shattered glass is a believable cause. And I don't use body makeup because I hate how it feels, and it never seems to go on evenly. Thus, my scars are fairly conspicious.

    You may disagree with dealing with the issue this way, though, and that is fine. I am not in any way implying that you should be ashamed of cutting, but you might want to either conceal your scars as best as possible, or lie your face off about their origin.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have three on my arm that I think are noticeable, but no one ever asks. I always just assume people know what it is. It's weird that so many people do/have done this to themselves but you never hear people talk about it. I only did it a few times, but two caused me to get several stitches.

    The only thing I can tell you is that they'll fade eventually.

  13. #12
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    TOTH, I never noticed any scars on you. Beautiful funky tattoos, yes, but I did not see the scars.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have scars the same as TOTH. Literally hundreds of them, but fine, thin, and white. I was into really fresh razorblades from deconstructed disposable razors. *shrugs* I say I fell and went through a patio door since it looks like it could be from glass and because I did do that once, though it was a screen. My suggestion is just to rock them, but think about what else could make something with those marks and stick with it.

    And big hugs. I know how rough it is.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have some old SI burning scars. Basically, I just say I was in an accident. Full stop. And then "I don't want to talk about it" or a similar brush off if they push the subject.


    (People won't think it's caused by self injury, and if you say you don't want to talk about it, they'll just assume you don't want to re-live the gory details of a car accident, dog attack, etc.)


    You could be honest if you like, but for me personally, I wouldn't want to disclose that information to those I didn't trust. There's still a lot of misconceptions about SI and many people do give you special treatment about it once they find out-despite the fact that it is pretty damn common, in one form of another as a coping device.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    I always just assume people know what it is. It's weird that so many people do/have done this to themselves but you never hear people talk about it.
    I was just thinking that. Wow... I didnt realize so many people have done this. One of those things that stay in teh dark.

    Quote Originally Posted by TBE
    But I am torn on whether or not I should say anything before I sign up for a job about my scars because they are pretty extensive and they are hard not to miss.
    Youre going to have some pissed off people if you show up to a shoot and hadnt told them about the scars. They typically want to know about tattoos, piercings, scars and large birthmarks, etc.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    The only thing I can tell you is that they'll fade eventually.
    They really do. Seven years ago I had scars all over my arms, legs, and stomach. Customers asked about them all the time. Now you can't even see them unless I get a real tan, and the ones on my stomach are completely gone.



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    Veteran Member Danielle_'s Avatar
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I was never a cutter but once I was very upset & kicked a glass door, not really thinking about the fact that it was glass. It shattered & I bled really bad. Everyone at the hospital was an asshole. Anyway, I only have a few scars & they're pretty light now, but just thought I'd say I sort of understand the scar thing. I wore long skirts for the entire summer right after that happened to hide it.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    when i first started cutting in highschool my scars faded very very quickly. however for some reason (probably diet changes) no matter how light i cut it would leave a scar that would not go away.....and i usually cut words. so i kinda stopped and now that its been around 3 years i only have two large ones left that are noticeable, one i probably should have gotten stitches for but i lived so oh well. Only once or twice have i ever done it again since those days, i dont really mind if people notice because mine are at the point where they could suspect what they are from but not really know, and almost nobody has bothered to ask.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    TOTH, I never noticed any scars on you. Beautiful funky tattoos, yes, but I did not see the scars.
    It helps that I'm so fair, because the thin white scars blend right in. When I get a real tan (not from a bottle) you can tell they're there. Also, I got the stripes in part to detract from the scars. Same with the ugly tattoo on my wrist. For the most part, the tattoos are effective... but every now and again a customer will notice and say something, because customers are nosy like that and want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.


    Quote Originally Posted by cherry_sin View Post
    I have scars the same as TOTH. Literally hundreds of them, but fine, thin, and white. I was into really fresh razorblades from deconstructed disposable razors. *shrugs* I say I fell and went through a patio door since it looks like it could be from glass...
    Whoah... that's exactly what I did, and exactly what mine look like.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

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    Member pseudomonas's Avatar
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    i have a LOT of raised white scars. some are really wide as well. and the ones on my wrists that had stitches (the most recent ones) are horrendous. i just feel like such a freak about it... especially sitting at the bar, where there's more light and they show up... i need to find a spray tan place to see if that'll help.

    its my biggest regret, doing all this to myself. i hate looking down and being reminded of it all every day.


    -darcy-

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    Maybe you can find some sexy opera length gloves. If the scars aren't visible when you dance on stage, then you can make a big show of pulling the gloves off. It can look really sexy if you do it right, and that way people can't see the scars while you are sitting at the bar.

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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have a friend who used to dance (stripper no longer and once a cutter) used to wear long above the elbow gloves. Guys didn't really ask about her scars because she covered them so well.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I have some scars on my left leg. I usually wear knee socks, legwarmers, stockings etc...

    We're all a little crazy! I'm so glad you started this thread. I also find my past cutting shameful and embarrassing, especially when noticed by others, but now a little less. I'm not alone. Neither are you.


    Thanks and best of luck!

    Asa

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    Veteran Member anelia's Avatar
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    i used to cut but got lucky and never scarred. it's pretty amazing how many people will come out of the woodwork and say they used to do this/still sometimes do....

    one thing that helped me not feel so bad is, in addition to knowing a lot of people whove been through the same thing, learning about the ancient origin of scarification and blood rituals. a lot of tribes practiced it (some still do) and its a very serious, spiritual thing. young men and women had to bleed/scar to pass into adulthood and prove their worth as hunters, and for a lot of other reasons. so i dont think of it as "i used to SI and i'm ashamed and it bums me out" but more "i have drawn my own blood and that makes me tough shit and i'm now a warrior."

    i dont know why so many people cut, but i have a suspicion it might be kinda hard-wired into us, from back in the day when our ancestors may have done it as part of the ritual of life.

    that said i agree with the posters who said to rock them. wear them with pride -- they are your battle scars. but if you dont feel like rockin em, then opera gloves or armwarmers or fishnets can be worked into most outfits and look totally hot. and when ppl get nosy make up a wild-ass story (helicopter crash in the mountains of chile...brilliant)

    anyway thats just my two bits *Hugs*
    "I'm teaching fools some basic rules. / I believe in the Golden Rule. The man with the gold rules. / I made a little money.
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    Default Re: self injury (cutting)

    I know what its like hun... I'm sorry. My scars are also like TOTHS... fine and white... but are quite visible. I still use scar cream on them, and a very thick cream to powder foundation on them at work. I hate when guys notice and point them out. Most of the time it isn't so bad except for one time a frat looking guy grabbed my arm, dragged it in front of his buddies and then laughed at me and called me names. That sucked. Just remember that people (especially custies) can be insensitive. Try not to let it hurt you.

    Oh, and to the person who posted above me: I get what you are saying about the bloodshed and ritual and all that. But don't you find that train of thought to be kind of triggering? I don't like to think of my self abuse as some sort of noble thing, but I know its easy to fall into that mindset.

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