I am. I can't even describe it.
Life itself is just...blah. I'm blah.
I'm just going through this period of "what the fuck am I here for?". I feel stir crazy up here. Sure, when I lived in Vail, there was nothing out there, but if you drove for about 20 minutes you get to Tucson. Here, I drive 20 minutes and I either get into...more vineyards or another little town around the lake exactly like my own. MIL told me that the next biggest city was Ukiah, so we went food shopping up there. Took about 45 minutes to get there. And there was not much there either. Ok, there was more grocery stores, a Walmart, and Mervyn's. Whoop di doo. The next real city is Santa Rosa- 70 miles south. And then San Fran, which I can't park in because I don't parallel park. And it takes hours to get there.
I'm just sick of it here already. Sure, I'm homesick. But more then that, I realize that I'm a fucking CITY GIRL. Gimme Tucson. Gimme Phoenix even with all of it's souless wonder. Even in Vail south of Tucson I was starting to get tired of being that far out of town.
I want my life to start. I want to go to school for nursing. Then I can go ANYWHERE. But that requires money. That's running out very quickly seeing as neither of us has a job. R has been applying for everything in his very limited field of analytical chemistry. He's been applying for shit that has nothing to do with his field. Nothing. He's thinking of going back to school. Shit, how the fuck do you live with 2 people in school? What do you do for money? He wants me to start. At least take a math class, as I easily forget stuff if I don't use it, and I've been out of school a while. But that requires hundreds of dollars for one class. I don't want to spend that when we have no money coming in. R on the other hand thinks it's worth it. But how is it worth it when I'm in a math class and we have zero dollars?
So that means time to get a job. Ha. Little mountain town. I can look forward to fast food or maybe Safeway. It's so depressing it makes me wonder why I'm alive. R can't get real work, so he's looking at anything in this town. Leads me to thinking we'll be stuck here, and I want to vomit. I want get out, this is supposed to be temporary. We want to sell MIL's trailer because it's a money pit and she's paying too much for her fixed income. Problem is, the market is sour, and the trailer needs thousands in repairs to even make it worthy of selling. Some of which need to be fixed NOW, like the busted plumbing. Where the fuck are we supposed to come up with thousands right now??
To make matter worse, I'm trying to eBay some stuff and it's horrible. People are looking for things for pennies nowadays. So many scammers, and too many people not even willing to pay for things that are for sale below wholesale prices. Nothing is selling.
I'm scared. I'm depressed. And I feel we'll never get out of this moneypit of a trailer. The housing market is bad enough, but add on top of that we live in a vacation town, and in a 55+ trailer park.
Please somebody. Talk to me.


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I wish there was something better to say. I've had to have some terrible jobs and been stuck in the middle of nowhere before.

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